Stair-Lifts Power Rankings: Super Bowl Foods

We really don’t have better days to wake up on than Super Bowl Sunday. Or as I like to call it, Super Bowl “stuff your face and sit on the couch literally all day, then wake up tomorrow feeling even more guilty about cheating on your New Year’s Resolution” Sunday.

The only time we should remove ourselves from the couch is for two things: going into the kitchen to refill our plates, or when nature calls. It should be as though you have literally crazy-glued your ass to the couch. Don’t feel bad, it’s only once a year (for some of you degenerates out there).

But of course, whether you’re hosting a viewing party, or just staying in with your family, we need to get our behinds to the supermarket. Quick tip: If you leave early enough, you can get home in time to catch the nine-hour pregame show on Fox.

We always see power rankings, and have become obsessed with them. Whether they are preseason rankings, draft rankings, regular season rankings, we Americans love our rankings. Why should it be any different with food? What are the best foods to divulge in before, during, and after the game? Look no further, people.


5- Mozzarella Sticks

How could you make cheese taste even better, yet worse for you? That’s right, fry it! A huge thank you to our French friends of the medieval times for breaking out this bad boy to what I assume was a party of some sort. It’s funny to think that of all the things our European brothers and sisters have developed and passed on to us, this was the thing that we took by the horns and ran with. “Free healthcare? Nope! Soccer? Nice try fancy pants! Fried Cheese? Pizzerias and chain restaurants across America rejoice!”

4- Onion Dip

This is like a twofer because we are obviously using some sort of chip to dip into the dip. While onion dip is my favorite of the salty and savory concoctions, plain chips are my favorite things to dip in it. The good thing about onion dip is that it just sits there, on the table, for the entirety of the game. You could go to it…wait….go to it….wait, so on and so forth. And it’s just sitting there, waiting for you. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is. “Why don’t you believe in me like the onion dip does, honey?!?!”

3- Potato Skins

Do you remember the scene in “Forrest Gump,” when Bubba is telling Forrest the exact number of ways you could prepare shrimp? “You could barbecue it, boil it, bake it, sauté it….” you guys get the picture. You could pretty much do the same thing with potatoes, too. You could mash it, bake it, fry it, roast it……but something else you could do to it? After you bake it, you could slice them up, top it with cheese and bacon, broil that sucker, and serve with sour cream. That right there is more American than a bald eagle, the constitution and guns, all rolled up into one. Taste that? Tastes like freedom.

2- Wings

In a shocking move, wings are not in our coveted top spot. While they are second on our list, they are still glorious. Tiny pieces of chicken, fried and lathered in barbecue sauce. I can hear arteries getting clogged already. I’m more of a boneless honey-BBQ and ranch sauce kind of guy, but I don’t discriminate. Just pour me a beer and give me a bowl of wings and you won’t hear me speak for the rest of the night. Until I need a refill, of course.

1- Nachos

I have become more of a nacho guy over the last few years, but it was love at first bite. You have chips, two types of beans and cheese to melt it all together. I didn’t even mention things like jalapenos, lettuce or tomatoes, and no one even noticed. That’s how good nachos are, even with nothing on them.  Because of this invention, Mexico should build a wall around themselves to keep us Americans out to steal their recipes again.

Honorable Mentions

Guacamole- Overrated? Yes. Still good? Yes.

Fondue- While we see less and less of these, nothing like molten hot cheese to dip things in.

Salsa- While it’s taken some hits the last few years, it’s still a damn good snack.

Whether you like these foods or not, the Super Bowl was meant to be watched while we all stuff our faces. So sit on the couch, grab the chips, grab a beer, and enjoy watching the most hated team in football ruin your days yet again this season.


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