In honor of Eddie Lacy signing his new contract with the Seahawks (it’s believed Seattle is paying him by the pound), it got me thinking. It’s amazing to see such out of shape athletes who play their sport above average. The physical demand each sport requires makes it even more enjoyable when we see a fat guy excel at their preferred sport. And while he’s round like a Swiss ball, it’s very hard to stop Lacy in his tracks. So, who are the five fattest, most out of shape athletes I enjoyed watching growing up?
5) David Wells
The YES Networks slogan is “Power. Pride. Pinstripes.” After watching David Wells pitch, it should’ve been immediately changed to “Power. Pride. Split Pants.” When he wore his home Yankee jersey, it looked as though the pinstripes were being pulled apart by the jaws of life. But even though he was a rather large gentleman, he was a good pitcher. Pitching to a 239-157 career record, his ERA was a touch over 4. Those are respectable career numbers for anyone, let alone a man who looked like he knew his way around a Wendy’s drive-thru. You think anyone affiliated with the Yankees would’ve ever thought they’d hear the phrase “he’ll definitely give Babe Ruth a run for his money” ever? Well it came up when Wells signed with New York in 1997. Rather than comparing talent, they were actually comparing waist sizes.
4) John Kruk
While he wasn’t the biggest man during his playing days, Kruk is now the size of a Mister Softee ice cream truck. People thought ESPN fired Curt Schilling back in 2015 because he’s a racist, sexist big mouth? While he’s all of those, they really fired the Bloody Sock and replaced him with Jessica Mendoza because they couldn’t fit Kruk in the booth with two other guys. I remember being in Atlantic City a couple of years ago, when the Phillies inducted Kruk into their wall of fame. They escorted him on field in an ATV. The shocks this thing must’ve had, I thought it was going to capsize like the Titanic. I’m not a betting man, but I would’ve bet the house that ATV would’ve spun out of control with all of that added weight.
3) Glen Davis
The man was nicknamed “Big Baby.” Should I even continue this blurb? There was nothing funnier than seeing Davis run up and down the court. He was hustling, running, fat jiggling and all. I remember watching a Knicks-Celtics game back at the TD Garden, when Davis was running up the court and fell. I swear to God, I thought the leprechaun at center court dropped his pipe. I felt my couch rumble and I was sitting almost 250 miles away. Imagine getting stuck in a pick that Big Baby was setting. Good luck, whoever you may be. It was like you were running straight away than Bubba Ray Dudley came out of nowhere and cracked you with a folding chair. “Devon, get the tables!”
2) Prince Fielder
Are you guys seeing a trend on this list yet? While it isn’t a scientific fact, baseball has more fat guys per capita than any other sport. While he was large and in charge, Fielder was a good ballplayer. But there was nothing funnier to me than seeing Fielder hit a weak ball in the infield and run to first base. How many cheeseburger eating contests do you think Fielder and Miguel Cabrera got into when Fielder was traded to Detroit? Oh, that’s right. Fielder was a “vegetarian.” Prince Fielder is to vegetarians what Aaron Hernandez is to law abiding citizen. He may have been a Prince on the field, but he was definitely the King of the food court.
1) Bartolo Colon
The Big Sexy isn’t only number 1 on this list, but he’s number 1 in our hearts. Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds, he’s 43 years old. I don’t know what’s more impressive; pitching into your mid 40’s or being able to pitch on a strict diet of big macs and arroz con pollo. Being only two teams away from a dozen for his career, he’s definitely taken down a dozen donuts on numerous occasions. Now pitching for the Braves, southern barbecue joints must’ve been ecstatic when Colon put pen to paper and decided Atlanta would be next on his all-you-can-eat hit list.
CC Sabathia- Fun Fact: The man’s first name is Cap’n Crunch. It would be upsetting if he WASN’T 300 pounds.
John Daly- He smokes, drinks and curses like a sailor. All while he’s on the golf course. Imagine what this guy would do for a klondike bar.
Mo Vaughn- People think he only stole money from the Mets. He also stole all the cold cut spreads before and after games.