My Reaction to ESPN First Take

I’m sitting at home, flipping through the channels and I stopped it on ESPN. The main reason I stopped it was because I saw LaVar Ball screaming like a madman. The split-second I had the channel on, I heard screeches that were like those of Godzilla wreaking havoc on a city. Naturally, I went back to the channel to see what the hell was going on. And boy, did I make the right choice!

I was waiting for Ball to make a statement like “I could run the EPA” or “I could out eat Joey Chestnut in a hot dog eating contest,” but what we got was a person louder and crazier than Ball: Stephen A. Smith.

I had the channel on for a good 5 minutes and the only words I understood were (please do your Smith and Ball impressions while reading)”BLASPHEMOUS” and “MY BOYS.” It was as if I was repeatedly hitting myself in the fucking face with a hammer. Only in this scenario, I sadly was still conscious.

As I was slowly going in and out of consciousness, I saw a banner on the bottom of the page that read “TOMORROW AT 11: MICHAEL IRVING.” I must say, it was good marketing. You mean I get to watch Stephen A do the same shit again tomorrow? Of course, I’m tuning in!

My guilty pleasure had finally arrived, it was 11 AM. Michael Irving, the greatest wide receiver in Dallas Cowboys history, is going to go head to head, mono e mono, with biggest Cowboy Hater this side of the Mississippi. And my lord, was it everything I expected.

Within twenty-seven seconds, Stephen A was screaming at Irving as if he was his son who accidentally broke his stereo system. “BA-LAS-PHE-MOUS!” Irving was sweating like Frosty the Snowman on a warm summers day. It was so loud, Max Kellerman probably couldn’t even formulate a thought in his head while this shit was going on. He literally just sat there like “yea, guess I’m not talking for a while.” Here’s the entire transcript of the segment.

Smith- BLASPHEMOUS!

Irving- (DRIP…….DRIP)

Smith- BLASPHEMOUS!

IRVING- (DRIP….DRIP)

Molly Qerim- What about Romo?

Smith- TWO PLAYOFF WINS IN TEN YEARS!

Irving- (DRIP….DRIP)

Smith- TWO PLAYOFF WINS IN TEN YEARS!

IRIVNG- (DRIP….DRIP)

Riveting stuff, really. All of this was going on while Seahawks corner back Richard Sherman was just sitting there, silent. He had an expression on his face like every Jets fan has on their face. One that read “how the fuck did I get here” or “Now what?” Either way, it made for great television. If you consider great television senseless babbling.

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